We’ve gone into total lockdown; none of that half-hearted Boris Johnson nonsense for us.

Shortly after we agreed on this, my wife announced that the living room and kitchen were her ‘space’.

Since Brexit, I’ve identified as ‘Irish’. In a brief campaign, characterised by the brilliance of their dashing commander, the forces of the Irish Republic seized control of the bedrooms and bathroom and then bided their time.

The aroma of Chinese food permeated the apartment. About an hour and a half later, there was a border incident. Tense negotiations ensued before an agreement was reached. China would be given temporary access to bathroom and sleeping facilities, Ireland, to cooking and food supplies.

Long live friendship and cooperation between the peoples of the Chinese and I...

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