_____________________________________________

  To: PATRICIA MARTIN
From: JAMES CAMPBELL
Subj: Re: warmth
Date: 02/26/91 08:14 PM

    Oh Patricia,
 

    It's hard to know where to start after reading your mega notes. I didn't get to bed until 5 am my time reading it and reading your other notes.
 

    With each note, I have gotten to see a new aspect of you and the vulnerability fading into trust of me with your heart.
 

    I don't know of a better compliment anyone could every pay me than for you, after all your tragedies, opening your soul so fully to me in such a short time.
 

    I swear that I do not have a map of your mind, but you must obviously have my playbook or game plan, as you seem to know what I am thinking sometimes even before I do.
 

    For instance, you stating that there needs to be an exact fit between two individuals to create that masterpiece.
 

    It does seem that several people can present an almost fit that most settle for. Well, I also don't want to settle.
 

    I did that before and look where it got me. My heart and self-esteem plummeted to such deep chasms a few year ago that I thought I'd never climb out.
 

    So much self-blame placed there by Julie. The burden so heavy to carry with me out of the depths.
 

    My load has lifted so much in the last six months and especially these last two. For the first time in a long time I have climbed on top of the crest and I am standing tall, taller than I've ever stood before.
 

    I am just so ready to try and be everything to that special someone out there. I'm far from perfect, but I am now ready to also acknowledge my faults and share them with people so they can help me get beyond them.
 

    I can be so much more than I was before. I can offer so much more love and give so much.
 

    I can accept the truth of my limitations and of my sometimes-controlling nature. I can change and improve.
 

     I can be less critical of others, and more importantly, I can be more loving of myself, which makes all of the above possible.
 

    I'm telling you all this because if you and I do continue to become closer to each other, the road ahead will not be easy for either of us. It won't be easy for me to become the special person everyone is trying to convince me that I am. I have several rough edges that have unfortunately hurt those around me; some even recently.
 

    Danni is so caring to want to protect you from further hurt and pain. I fear that I will slip and somewhere down the road hurt you too and that makes me so very sad for you.
 

    You've gone through enough pain, much more than I could possibly imagine, I'm sure. I'm crying now, just thinking about you never having anymore children.
 

    It sounds like you did such a great job with Danni, and you must be so proud of her character.
 

    It's not fair that you shouldn't rejoice in watching other children develop day by day, but instead you spent your young life with a man who literally raped you.
 

    I'm not sure which of us needs a shoulder to cry on more, right now. I do know that I would hold you with thoughts of never letting go.
 

    I just couldn't bear to add even an iota of pain on top of what is already there without knowing for sure that you were really ready to accept me for who I am and promise me that you wouldn't let me hurt you.
 

    It would be important that you would shove right back at anything I said or did or didn't do that was not showing true love or respect for you.
 

    I truly am hoping that you will help me to become more. I might just be the challenge you are looking for.
 

    I would reward you in ways immeasurable if we were successful in becoming one.
 

    I can see myself being the Lance to your Theresa. I so much want to be.
 

    Speaking of your writing, I know you don't realize it but I struggled to not be the least bit critical. I didn't want to say, "it was wonderful, but..."
 

    I tried to see only your strengths and key in on your direction and make suggestions on how I believed you were feeling when you wrote it.
 

    I was proud in accomplishing that by sheltering you from pain. I know that what you wrote came from deep within you and no one can be critical of that. And, don't ever let them be, either!
 

    Unfortunately, that is not how I critiqued the little I ever read of Julie's work. Back then, I didn't show her the respect or interest in her writing that she truly deserved and I hurt her very badly.
 

    She values her words so much. I hurt her right to the core.
 

    That was my part in the failure of our marriage. I didn't show her the respect she needed and deserved. That, probably just as much as Julie's lesbian affairs bid our marriage doom.
 

    Pat, you have a way of blowing away the dust on my heart and getting me talking in a way I have never done with anyone else before. I thank you for that.
 

    I see such a nice fit developing so far and it is very scary to think that you might really be the one and only I have been destined to spend forever with.
 

    You need to know as much about me as I know about myself, and in fact, have already helped me to learn so much more than just two weeks ago.
 

    This afternoon I went outside and turned on the NO VACANCY sign on my heart. I want us to take the time to get to know each other as fully as possible in the next few weeks to test the fit from every angle.
 

    I do not want to lose you if our meeting has indeed been fate. It sure has all the signs. I hadn't been on the bulletin board since last August, and then I posted my first note on the 40ish topic in the beginning of February.
 

    The response I got from Robin especially helped boost my self-worth meter just enough to become part of the welcoming committee a few days later, just when you showed up!
 

    I took a special interest in you as you were new to the bulletin board service and apparently had some recent life changes that you seemed to need to talk about with someone.
 

    So, I offered my ear, you of course know the rest.
 

    Today, I downloaded many of the notes you wrote to others and me on the bulletin board because I wanted to find out every tidbit of information I could on you.
 

    I found out, among other things, that you grew up in Wisconsin, which I hadn't remembered. Maybe that has some influence on our strong connection, since we're both from the Midwest.
 

    Believe it or not, when I wrote to you that my favorite sensual activity was giving full body massages, I had no idea that you had even taken lessons! Fate or what?
 

    You may think less of me for what I am about to tell you, but you need to know that it is important to me. Unfortunately, even more than I was trying to accept for myself.
 

    I have hurt two people these last two weeks because their body style wasn't compatible with mine. I am a rather slight man, until ten years ago, downright skinny. Now I have that huggable shape I told you about. There is just enough meat and fat on my bones to take away any rough edges and the start of an old man's tummy.
 

    Through the years, I have felt most comfortable being intimate with women similar in size to my own, a proportionate height to weight aspect is what I expect.
 

    When I joined the 40ish group, Robin for the most part, "jumped my bones" with her bubbly, voracious style of writing. She saw something in my notes that made her want to see more and we started messaging.
 

    We seemed rather compatible and soon after she wanted to hear my voice, so we started talking on the telephone. We were fitting pretty well until she mentioned that she used to weigh over 250 pounds and had one of those gastric bypass surgeries and was now around 200 pounds.
 

    When I heard her tell me that I went silent, immediately jumping to the conclusion that I could never picture myself getting physically close to someone her size.
 

    I panicked.
 

    The next day I wrote her a note saying with my usual too honest approach that I didn't think we could be more than friends because of her weight.
 

    It hurt her badly and she began posting notes on the bulletin board about how I had discounted her solely due to one item in my "want" list.
 

    It was indeed true, even though she is truly a nice person.
 

    I thought I would never be able to show my face on the 40ish board again. I knew that I had blown it big time and felt so ashamed.
 

    Due to Robin's self-determination, she took my rejection and used it to focus on losing even more weight and becoming more health conscious.
 

    You need to know that Robin and I are still friends. You also need to know that I think she still has significant feelings toward me and would like me to be more than a casual friend.
 

    She has bounced back from my rejection, mostly because of her own spirit. And, probably because I re-examined my own self and felt I had been too rough and judgmental. I apologized and told her I couldn't make a true decision about physical compatibility until we had at least seen each other.
 

    She also knows that I've been receiving some very long letters from someone because, as her friend, I was keeping her informed about my "social" life. She guessed right off that the letters were from you.
 

    I told her that from my first glimpse, you just might be the one and she started to get a little bit jealous. She said I should be careful with you. She cited some postings you and others made on the bulletin board about being closer together geographically and getting together.
 

    None of this makes any difference to me, as it wasn't until last night that or today that either of us were thinking bout the NO VACANCY feelings.
 

    But, Robin was trying to bring doubts into my mind about your sincerity because of her own jealousy.
 

    This morning she apologized and said that she would be happy to have me just as a friend like we discussed in earlier conversations.
 

    Today I told her that I so very much want to explore what you and I have and I couldn't talk about my future friendship with her further until we do so.
 

    Whew! My fingers are getting sore typing so much and so fast.
 

    Now, brace yourself for the next revelation. It gets worse. "How?" you ask? I'll tell you now.
 

    Right around the time I was rejecting Robin for her weight, I started my first ever conversation with someone who lives an hour from me. Again, the fit seemed to be pretty close. We talked on the telephone and I was my usual candid self; trying to learn from past mistakes. I mentioned to her what had happened with Robin and the weight issue and her tone didn't change at all.
 

    We talked for two more nights, again fitting better and better. Then, she told me she had a weight problem, but she didn't tell me how much she weighed.
 

    Assuming that I had learned my pre-judgment lesson with Robin, I told this woman that I would try and not let it influence my feelings for her.
 

    We met on the beach last week.
 

    All my prior "Fits" vanished as quick as a seagull can snatch a crab from the sand when I saw that she weighed about 300 pounds.
 

    I know that God had something to do with meeting this person in my life. He had something to do with getting my hopes up for a life partner and then letting my own prejudices burst my bubble.
 

    The saddest thing is that this woman knew inside that I must have felt that way.
 

    I hurt her so much, Patricia. I never meant to stomp her heart on the ground.
 

    I think that it will take her a very long time to be able to hold her heart out that far again, and I am so sorry.
 

    So, you see, what goes around, comes around. I negated Robin due to her weight, and then I negated my own happiness due to my prejudices.
 

    I was completely unfair to this woman. She is one of the most giving people I know.
 

    This whole issue has me scared, Patricia. I feel myself becoming pulled into your spell and you in mine. It just wouldn't be fair to you for me to judge you on your measurements or weight. However, from what just happened to me with these other women, I really need to know if I will find your body size compatible with my own before I can ask anymore of your heart from you.
 

    I have already damaged two hearts already this month and I couldn't bear realizing an almost perfect fit in all other categories and then hurt you as well due to my own problem with weight.
 

    Like I said earlier, you have felt too much pain in your life and I will not be a part of causing more.
 

    I do hope you understand about all of this and we can get past this stupid issue. Once we do, I will be yours, to explore as you feel the need and desire, to ask anything of me, to be your protector, your very best friend, a friend to your daughter, and even one day, your lover and your husband.
 

    I leave it up to fate as I can see that it has had such a dramatic and unexplainable power these last few weeks affecting us both in so many ways.
 

    It is late now, and as always, I feel like I want to tell you so much more. God willing and you willing, I will be back later tonight or tomorrow riveted to your every word of encouragement, understanding, and yes, even love.
 

    I am drained, but you had to see this deeply into my heart. And, I needed to tell you.
 

    Hopefully, still yours.
    James.

 

_____________________________________________
 

  To: JAMES CAMPBELL
From: PATRICIA MARTIN
Subj: Oh Boy
Date: 02/26/91 01:57 AM

    Hi James.
 

    Gee, even being on a computer bulletin board that services the entire nation and then some you still see that it has a small town quality.
 

    I feel just like I do living here in Buffalo. Most people in town know what I've purchased at the corner market before I even get it home and put away in the cupboards.
 

    When my daughter set me up with this computer I had no idea what I would be getting myself into. I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship. Mainly, I was just looking for people to talk to who were my age.
 

    My daughter encouraged me to subscribe to the bulletin boards but she never told me that it would be like living in a small town.
 

    I wanted to find other people I thought I might have something in common with, so that we could talk. I've considered the social events around here, but find them rather stagnant.
 

    I guess because I'm such an open and honest person, and probably a little naive, I've received quite a bit of attention on the bulletin board.
 

    But, I don't like to play games. I'm definitely into humor and jokes, but no games. I can hold my own with the best of them when it comes to one-liners and innuendoes. But that's all just a part of who I am.
 

    I've corresponded with others, men and women, from the bulletin board, but non have known the depth of my soul as you do. None have known the tears I've shed while sending you my most heartfelt letters.
 

    And, none have opened up as you have and given me insight to your own heart and soul.
    With you, I felt I had a simple trust. A desire to tell you all that I have lived through.
 

    Maybe it was only part of an intricate healing process, or maybe it was because of your overwhelming sensitivity to my needs.
 

    I have begun to heal, and it feels so wonderful not to be tormented daily by the demons inside of me. Those awful demons tore at my self-esteem and self-worth.
 

    But, no more.
 

    James, I don't have your playbook or a direct connection into your mind. Heck, I'm not a witch, although I'm sure some people have called me something else because of my abrupt and abrasive honesty.
 

    Fitting is important to you. It's important to all of us. I guess you could say we're all Cinderella's trying on that glass slipper. Some are too big, too tall, too short, too old, too tight, too small, too young, too fat, too skinny, too whatever. It happens to all of us.
 

    We all have faults, many we can't do anything about. We have to learn to live with them.
 

    I too have been guilty of using physical appearance as a way to end or even begin a relationship.
 

    We just have to try hard every day to see the inner beauty of each and every person we meet. We can't be so superficial or shallow.
 

    It's been a very long time since I've had a long-term relationship with a man. I've grown so much emotionally and I've learned that trust and respect are so much more important than a quick f***. Pardon my cussing. But, I'm getting a little worked up right now.
 

    A good relationship must first be based on mutual respect and friendship. The road is never easy to anything that is worth having. Once you've achieved your goal, even then, the hard work isn't over.
 

    Don't worry about "hurting" me. Even with the best relationships, comes a little pain. Pain is a part of human nature. I know that and so do you.
 

    Misunderstandings and misconceptions are bound to happen. It's what happens afterwards that really matters.
 

    Total communication, 100% of the time, that's what's really important.
 

    I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I know this. I am ready to begin to hope that there is someone out there that I can share my life with. I'm even ready to admit that I am looking forward to the joyous feelings of a new love.
 

    I'm ready to take a risk. I want to. I have to. I am ready to accept you as you are, if you're ready to accept me as I am. If I get hurt again, I suppose I'll heal, same as before.
 

    I am a strong person, as you could probably tell. I've been pretty forceful with my words. I've been trying so hard to make sure I choose the right words. Without you hearing me talking and hearing the inflections in my voice, I want to make sure you are reading exactly what I am writing.
 

    We've made a connection here. From what I can tell, it's gone deeper than any other relationship you've developed with any other computer pal. That makes me feel very special, happy, and awed. And scared.
 

    I can't help how Robin feels about you. I totally understand though. You have a way of making a woman feel as if she were the most important person in your life. You're intelligent, insightful, sensitive, and so gifted. You're such a good person.
 

    She saw all of that and she saw that those are the qualities she seeks in a mate.
 

    Jealousy is a part of a lot of different feelings. They could be from insecurity, lack of trust, being lonely, even from a feeling of helplessness.
 

    She doesn't know me. She only saw a sassy side of me that was my armor. That's what most people see. Like I told you before, I use humor and jokes to hold people back from knowing the deeper me. If they really care and if they really want to know, they'll take the time and the energy to go one on one with me and really get to know me. As I would do with anyone I really wanted to get to know.
 

    After I read your last letter, I just had to go out on the bulletin board and see if I could find anything written that might be construed in such a way to elicit responses from others.
 

    I found a few messages, several I hadn't even seen before. I don't really use the bulletin board for communicating with people. It's more like a way for me to introduce myself. If anyone really wants to know me, they'll understand my original message and contact me by mail. That's what you did!
 

    I now understand your hesitancy to exchange telephone numbers and talk further on the telephone instead of on the computer. I was deeply moved to see that you had sent me your address, James.
 

    I am going to do something I may regret, but here it is. My telephone number. 307-555-3157.
 

    And, here are my measurements. You do with either as you please. Ok?
 

    32--28--30. Like I said before, I'm short, just about 5 foot and I'm very short-waisted, with short legs. I have a nondescript body--boyish if you will.
 

    Your obsession with weight may be a fear you have of yourself gaining weight. I don't know. I'm not overweight. If anything, I could stand to gain a few pounds. I don't have Danni's good cooking to eat anymore.
 

    I don't usually dress up much; I wear blue jeans most of the time. I like Wranglers with big baggy t-shirts.
 

    Just as a reminder, I have short hair, mostly gray now, I never really did get into that coloring business. Although, maybe I should?
 

    Any other sizes you want to know about? My ring size is 5 1/2 the same as my shoe size. Now, no funny IQ jokes, thank you!
 

    Well, I guess the rest is up to you. If I never hear from you again, don't worry and don't feel guilty. It's human nature. And don't worry about me. I'll find some quiet time to heal.
 

    And, I'll be back on the bulletin board, continuing to be my same old outgoing self, and continuing to search for the perfect fit.
 

    As you are to me, I am yours,
    Pat.