Not only was the microwave gone, but the living room was a mess. I don’t know the exact definition of “feng shui,” but F-- translated it as “clutter in the corner.” There was enough space for a dance party, but to get to the couch you had to be an American Ninja Warrior.

     In the middle of the clutter was the television. All its cords and cables were unplugged. I’m going to have to hire an IT guy to put it all back together for me.

     I called T-- to let him know how I felt.

     “Look, I’m sorry,” he said, “but I never suggested you take her back to your place.”

     “You could’ve told me she was a loon.”

     ...

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