I had been sitting on the couch for several hours waiting for my life to change. The house was dark when T-- lit up my cell.

     “Buddy,” he said, “I’m going to change your life.”

     Wow, I thought. That was easy.

     He invited me to his friend’s beach house for a party this weekend. It didn’t sound life-changing, but T-- was pretty jazzed about it. He gets that way whenever women gather without protesting.

     I’m envious of his “fish in a barrel” mentality. The more there are, the better his odds. Not me. My anxiety goes up. I see schools of goonches ready to eat me alive. Have you seen those things? They eat water buffalo.

     “W...

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