I used to have it all. Kind of.  A successful business that gave me a nervous breakdown. A boyfriend I didn’t really like as much as I should have and 134 pairs of expensive shoes that gave me a bunion. Yep, life was good and the bunion was worth it. But like all good things (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) there are things that make the good things not so good (Buffy the Vampire Slayer ended).

In my early 30s the time had come to try on normality for size, if it would fit me. The time had come to get over my nervous breakdown and my boyfriend and head back to the country with every pair of my shoes. Whilst I was there I would maybe loose a kilo or two so normality would fit me and I would look fabulous in my new metaphorical threads.  

After years of city living and being successful and searching on starlite nights that were really dark because there weren’t any stars, it became clear my soul mate didn’t live in the city. I knew this because I had dated every single man in Sydney, Canberra and Forster. Sometimes twice, just to be sure he wasn’t the weirdo I thought he was. And when you move to the country and you are going to wear normality, a good boyfriend is the ultimate fashion accessory. 

I was right, not just about the fashion accessory but about my soul mate not being in the city. When I moved back to Narrandera, I found the man of dreams. He leapt, in a prompt and reliable way, into my life from the virtual biosphere of on-line dating. MJ is a true bushy. He works in the bush, he speaks a colloquial Aussie language that needs an interpreter and he loves his flannies. He can kill spiders with his bare hands and looks all sexy when he fixes stuff. MJ likes to spend his evenings drinking Aussie beer and pretending to be a rock star, which he isn’t. But that’s ok.

This was the flannelette cloaked man I was happy spending my time with and happy to renovate a house with. And after a few years, this was the man I was going to have a baby with.

God help us all.

Now this is not as simple as it seems. I don’t like babies and I don’t like children, they are such unnecessary members of the human race; all noise and mess and unable to hold a decent conversation. Have you ever asked a two year old ‘how are you today?’ Invariably they just look at you with confusion and fear. Great talking to you tiny monster. Perhaps it’s better if you go back to your enclosed play area (please let it have a lock on it) and continue to philosophize about whatever it is 2 year olds philosophize about. Probably you think about who is easiest to manipulate; Mum, Dad, Nan or the old lady next door who makes really nice biscuits. I bet you hope it’s the biscuit lady. So predictable.

Really how hard could it be to have a baby? I was retired from my last career, I had time. So I planned it out with a very impressive and colorful flowchart.

Step 1. You get pregnant and the worst thing that can happen is no more stilettoes.

I was wrong.

Step 2. You give birth which would probably hurt a bit but I would be ok because I’m tough.

Again, I was wrong.

Step 3. You have the baby and occasionally you feed it and change a nappy, but mostly it sleeps.

I was very, very wrong.

My name is Briana. I have been a mother for 4 months and I’m a coffee addict.