Picture it: magnet tiles strewn about the floor, pencils in the couch, papers and school supplies all over the kids’ rooms, paper plates in the garbage can.

            Just a snapshot of what my apartment looks like right now.

            I am a single parent of four kids, three of whom are distance learning from home right now. My 2 ½ year old watches Barbie and Peppa Pig while she plays with her dolls and magnet tiles. I try to write during the morning before I make lunch and clean up; my laptop is squished up on my desk, along with numerous family paraphernalia.

            Is there a part of me that is screaming inside? Oh yes!

            I figure that if the kids are fed, clean, and doing distance learning, then I must be hanging in there. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s costing me a lot every day to keep this going and develop a sense of structure and normalcy for four young children who depend on me for everything.

            I read a lot about the importance of “self-care” during these trying times. I love the idea and wish I could do it more, but how can single parents practice self-care when we’ve been tasked with keeping children alive and safe during a pandemic? Who even has time for self-care these days if you have kids, single parent or not?

            I’ve really had to step back and think differently about what self-care means to me and how I can fit it into my life. Yes, the idea of adding something else to my already bulgingly full plate is daunting and overwhelming, but I do believe that it is important to try. It just means that your definition of self-care will look very different from other peoples and that’s completely okay. Self-care isn’t a “one size fits all” sort of thing; we humans are all unique and have different needs.

            One step in staying sane and taking care of yourself is learning about your needs. Our needs change and evolve over time depending on our current situations and lifestyles.

Try opening a page in a journal or sheet of paper and write down what your current needs are. Perhaps you have a need for more fresh air since you are at home more? Or you need more socialization because you are working from home? It’s different for everyone and don’t be ashamed! Maybe you feel like you need more time for pleasure or napping or playing video games.

            Once you’ve figured out a list of your needs, it is time to figure out how to address them. As single parents, we are used to the idea of schedules and trying to fit things in.

Now, it’s time to fit in time to take care of some of your needs. Honestly, it might not go smoothly every day and things come up that derail even our most set-in-stone plans. It helps to be as flexible as possible and understanding towards yourself. It’s not your fault if you don’t have a lot of time for your needs; you are taking care of so much right now and doing an amazing job.

            But maybe that means the kids go to bed earlier one night a week so you can stay up and read or watch a movie. Or there is someone who could help with babysitting, cooking, or even cleaning. Even just making plans for a phone call or video call with a friend can help. I think this is where creative thinking comes in handy, and I believe that we single parents are quite good at that!

            Another way to stay sane is to take shortcuts. If you can afford to buy some paper plates to cut down on dishes, then try that for a week. Make frozen meals a few times a week or every day, I’m not judging! I’ve been using grocery delivery every couple weeks and it helps having my groceries delivered straight to my door, because let me tell you, grocery shopping with four kids under nine is something else.

            I’ve had the TV on for more hours during the day than I’d like, but this is an unprecedented time and I need that extra help. My kids play video games, computer games, read, draw, play card games, run around, go on walks. We do a lot. It helps to brainstorm ideas for ways to keep them busy, and if putting on a movie helps you get some time to rest then go for it!

            Lower your expectations and lather on the self-compassion. I’m still working on that myself, and it’s okay if it’s not easy for you. As single parents, we sometimes put extra pressure on ourselves because we have so much responsibility. That can do more harm than good. What if we put less pressure and more forgiveness? Instead of being hard on ourselves for not being enough, we could be proud of ourselves for stepping up and not taking the easy way out. We are here and we are raising our children with our blood, sweat, and tears.  

            Even if you do one thing a day that’s just for you, then you are taking care of yourself. You are showing yourself that you matter just as much as your kids. Rest and relaxation will help us have more strength to take care of our children and day to day life.

Look within for reassurance; wrap your arms around yourself and remind yourself that you are doing a great job and it’s okay to take things one day at a time.

            Indulge in your hobbies and find the things that make you feel alive. Listen to the music that makes you dream and gives you goosebumps. Read the books that make you sigh and cuddle deeper into your blankets. Dance in your kitchen while putting away the dishes to those club hits you enjoy. Bake the foods that make you smile and make your home smell like a warm hug. Watch the shows