“Come in here and smell this.”

Generally speaking, these are not the first words any parent wants to hear in the morning. I had tried covering the entirety of my body with our bed spread and the inexplicably excessive amount of pillows, but alas, she knew I was still there. I sit up, swing my legs over the side of the bed and throw on my black Nike basketball shorts. I notice that there is a perfectly round hole in the opening of the crotch seam measuring at least three inches in diameter.

“Son-of-a-bitch.”

I contemplate the terrible situation in which I find myself this morning and decide that henceforth, I’ll just wear black underwear. Despite the fact that I only own one pair of black underwear and I try to wear these particular shorts as often as possible, I s...

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