Have you ever seen warmth? I have. 

I was floating above the clouds with the sun rising at dawn. The color was such a warm yellow mixed with a deep orange. It slowly rolled over the clouds and onto my face. Just the sight of it spread warmth through my entire body. I thought to myself, I could stay here forever. But then I felt cold, cold flakes hitting my face and then the warmth was taken from me. God I wanted that warmth back. Instead I opened my eyes and was completely disoriented. Where the hell was I? I was laying on my back, and I was cold, outside somewhere. I moved to stand up and was met by soaring pain everywhere. I was laying in a briar patch. And then I remembered the fall.

I am a beautiful disaster. I am so put together yet falling apart one piece at a time. My smile is so fake I don't even need to fake it anymore. People love me but in truth, I just want to be alone. If they got one glance into what goes on in my head, they'd leave me be.

Most times I can hide it but sometimes I just can't. Paxil, Xanax, Prozax, Lexapro, Celexa, Lunesta, Ambien, Ondansantron... why are there so many x's? Does X mark the spot? Pop this pill and it'll cure all your woes! Well, they don't. they are just a dulling agent. Trust me, I've tried them all.

On the outside I'm young looking for my 32 years; Blonde hair, green eyes, perfect teeth (never braces) nice smile. I could probably lose 10 pounds but at 5'5" I'm fitting loosely into a size 8. Sure sounds great to be me, right? Well, sounds much better on paper when you have my self confidence. I love when I am asked "how can someone like you lack self confidence?" God I hate that question. Looks aren't everything and it's time for people to know that. I am a beautiful disaster and I fall apart every now and again.

Behind this fake smile is so many stories. So many mistakes, so many shames, so many regrets. I really and truly try to live in the present but my past does an amazing job of haunting me. 

And so I cope. The best way I know how.


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