I come home in the early night, my mother says when you’re gonna live your life right? Uhm, no I’m not a teenage girl who’s still living with her parents and just got back from a super-duper crazy night out with her babez (ehmagawd!). Nah, none of that. I actually have my shit together. I’m married, I have a good job and a baby on the way. Oh and by the way, I’m a dude.

These are just the lyrics of Girls just want to have fun, my lovely wife’s wake up alarm song, blaring from her phone at five in the morning to remind me that 1) I have a job and 2) I hate it with all my heart. Oh and also that she’s kinda stuck in the 80’s but we’ll get to that later.

She opens her eyes and softly says: “Get up your lazy ass!” Ahh.. nothing like nice morning breath blown right into my face to start the day right.

I get up my “lazy ass” and look myself in the mirror, this is the only time of the day I can think about what I’m doing with my life and I have to say, I’m actually really happy. I mean, of course there are some problems. We live in a house that happens to be the most humid place I’ve ever been in, we have curtains instead of doors because I never really had the chance* to buy them (but I’m on that) and every morning I have to walk almost a mile to get to the parking lot where my Saturn is rotting in, but can I really complain? Can I? Well, I definitely could and probably should, but I don’t, because at the end of the (very long) day, I’m married with the woman I love and that’s all that really matters. And by the way today is a very special day, my fifth wedding anniversary! Oh and it’s also been a year since the mold appeared on the ceiling corners. Ahh the memories, time really does fly.

Well, that’s it. The life contemplating moment is over, back to reality. I step in the shower and start my limber up routine: I crack my knuckles, stretch my arms and my legs. Okay, I’m ready. I turn it on and repeatedly switch the knob back and forth to avoid freezing to death or burn myself to hell. It’s all about timing. I guess all those hours spent swiping left and right on the Ipad, playing Fruit Ninja on a Saturday night, really paid off.

I get dressed, carefully picking the socks that stink the less, and head for the kitchen. Empty. As always. I don’t know why but I always expect to find some sort of breakfast. My sweet wife says that I need to lose some weight and avoid all kinds of food altogether but a little taste of coffee would be really appreciated.

All of a sudden the house starts shaking and for a second I think that The Big One is real but then I realize that is only my dear beautiful wife stomping towards me.

“You’re up” I say with a big smile.

She growls back something I don’t quite catch but it’s probably something nice.

Big smile again. “Happy anniversary, honey!”

“It was yesterday” she quickly replies. Shit! Is this some sort of test? Or was it really yesterday? I was never good with dates.

“Well, I uhm, I gotta go” I mutter.

“Just kidding”

“Ah, I knew it!”

“It was last week” she says before giving me a kiss. “But I love you so I forgive you”. You see? That’s exactly what I was talking about. If this isn’t real love then I don’t know what love is.

“Well, gotta go, my five to nine job is waiting.” I say.

I head outside but she stops me midway. “Wait, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right”. I raise my middle finger. “Fuck you, Camera guy!”

*chance= money