i became conscious of my body when i felt an ache run through my stomach. the pain of realization gnawing inside of me. i like to blame it on the food i ate but i knew that wasn't the case. i stopped breathing. just because i could. then i started breathing again when i got distracted by the thought that i wasn't breathing. and then i thought about death. and then i stopped. because i couldn't handle thinking about it without this lump forming in my throat. not because death was scary. but, because death seemed like such a viable option. it was so fucking scary to think of death as a good option. what happened to being a kid? when my biggest fear in the world was death? i never believed in god. i went to church as a kid and i didn't believe in god, but i followed all the bible verses and did all my homework for sunday school because i was supposed to, not because i believed in god. i didn't believe in heaven as a kid. i didn’t believe in god. what kind of kid doesn't believe in heaven? i was scared of the nothingness when you died. i didn't comfort myself with the idea of heaven. so, i just lived in fear of the idea that i would die and be forced to just fall into a state of nothingness. but now i had reached it. however, it wasn't all blackness like i imagined it to be. instead, i was still alive, but i felt no joy. not just no joy, however, i also felt no anger, no real disappointment or sadness. i just went through the monotony of my day and went to bed at night. only to realize i hadn't gone through my day at all. i just was moving but i felt nothing from it. and so i waited. but i still didn't feel that joy i felt when i went somewhere fun. or when i bought food i liked. it was all mindless at this point. i missed my mind.

            i laid in bed for longer than i should have. i had to go to classes but my body wouldn’t move. i no longer lived with my parents so nobody could tell me to move, it was as simple as that. i had memorized the indentations of the ceilings. when i closed my eyes i could still see them there. memorizing was one thing i was good at and it was the only reason i got so far in school. but, of course now i was at a standstill because i had no hope for the future so my parents forced me to enroll in community college and get some gen ed classes out of the way. it was easy to mindlessly memorize. that was it. friends were out of the picture at this point because i had long given up on talking. if someone wanted to talk to me i’d keep it short because they wanted to keep it short, too.

i had gotten used to the feeling of sheets on my bed. now i was growing uncomfortable. it suddenly felt overwhelmingly hot because i was aware that i was just laying there. alone. i wasn’t comfortable with doing nothing all the time but i couldn’t do anything else. i had grown up understanding that i would be alone, but had trouble going through it all alone. i was always cold. i always wanted to hold somebody, no, i probably wanted to be held more than anything else.

eventually, i ended up pulling my body out of bed, but it felt very painful to me. my legs and arms felt overwhelmingly heavy, but i was able to walk. so, i walked (essentially i was trudging) to the bathroom and took a short shower, since i was already running late. the shower basically consisted of washing my body for thirty seconds and then standing under the scalding water until my skin was tinged red. my lungs still felt cold, though, breathing heavy. i wanted a cigarette. i stepped out and dried off before i changed into jeans and this old band t-shirt i got at a concert i went to for a band who nobody had heard of. i was very aware that nobody knew about them and that made me even more delighted to wear it. people were attracted to boys who were different. people liked that look, rolled up jeans with a cool t-shirt. i didn’t know much about fashion from a young age, but once high school hit, i knew people liked the way others looked. i wasn’t naturally attractive, so i did the best i could with the appearance i had.

i went to the subway. i didn’t eat before heading out. i don’t know why, i just didn’t feel like eating that much anymore. at least i felt control over that. at least i wouldn’t be fat i guess. this heaviness sunk to the bottom of my feet and i became conscious of every step i took. the streets of new york were busy and the sun was shining down bright onto the back of my neck. it felt like my neck was burning and i became uncomfortable, but i didn’t even reach up to touch it to make sure it was okay. i just kept walking and forced myself to look just the same as everyone else. if i felt out of place then it would consume my mind for the rest of the walk.

i felt anxious for no reason, but this wasn’t out of the ordinary. i had locked myself up in my apartment for as long as i could. therefore, going out in public made me feel more anxious than ever. i could never pinpoint it to a specific thing going on outside, but it all just jumbled together into one giant mess and i just stared blankly at the sidewalk as i walked, my chest tight. sometimes i wanted to rip at the buttons of my shirt and dig my nails into my skin, scratching at the surface of all the discomfort. something physical had to do something to the mental pain gnawing at my innards.

            there were so many people in front of me. it was insane to think that they were all thinking something different. they didn’t see me staring when i stared at them. they didn’t know me so they didn’t think any different. there was one benefit of being outside without anyone you know around. they didn’t notice me grabbing onto my own wrist, scratching at the raw skin uncomfortably. my wrists were burning , soothed by the frigid cold of my fingertips.

            i walked onto the subway and found an empty seat. i just stared straight ahead at the siding of the train, covered in chipping white paint. the seat was empty until this guy around my age sat there, i immediately glanced  over at him from the corner of my eye. i couldn’t help it, he was very entrancing from what i saw at first glance. plus, i always ended up staring at people, especially when they were right in front of me, it was hard not to.

            he had hair that was crazy. it was a mess of loose dark curls atop of his head, falling right at his thick eyebrows. he had a crooked nose and green eyes. his lips were thin but he had a surprisingly defined jaw. his facial features just made him look different in a way that was hard to describe, but he was very intriguing. but, his face was not something that really drew a person’s eyes to him at first, it was his fucking clothing. he was wearing the most ridiculous attire. his pants were plaid. who in their right mind wears plaid pants in public, especially a man. he had on a striped sweater which was a mix of purple, brown, and black. it made no sense with the pants. then, on top of it, he had a brown jacket. the jacket was the