Hello Mister Dykeman,

How are you and the new- 'as of now, not-new,' Gal Pal getting on? I don't honestly know how anyone does it. Dating can be so... overly daunting. Even the good ones get... Well, for instance: I went on a date the other week and right from the start it was going absolutely great.

(Image of indestructible love) Romance is: Not being distracted by bullshit like the 'Great Pacific Garbage Patch.'

Even before we met in person I had a really good feeling about this girl, Brian. We were communicating via text like crazy, making jokes... sharing at least close to similar shared interests. How do I even begin to explain to you how cool this girl was? 

Okay, here's one: Even though she was really liberal and wasn't country, she carried around two knives in her boots. Believe it or not she also named each of them. How cool is that? Well- the 'she carries around knives' part; the naming of them is a tad over the top for my taste. Kind of Cornball, really. But... maybe that's what it takes for a lady to wear what some might call the 'big boy britches.' Not me obviously. 

(Image of an overly large knife.) There's a certain point when the size of a tool makes it nothing more than a weapon. Granted a weapon in and of itself is still a tool, it's just that killing and being put on display is the only job it does well (Paul Hogan would be proud.)

You get too scrupulous with these kinds of women you run the risk of getting cut. (Given there is always

be that tiny chance a woman's reason for carrying knives plural isn't always going to be for the reasons of self-defense or nail maintenance. It could also be their having been diagnosed as 'certifiably crazy' by a medical official. I did meet this woman online, after all. So that quotient of risk is naturally elevated by a factor of the ‘Craig's List variable;’ said theorem not being officially studied or certified at the time of this writing.)

Funny, before now I never really considered the literal threat random women can potentially pose, as now I'm sure she isn't the only woman walking the street with knives plural. I was scared of women enough without a threat of violence being on the table... Who else could have a penchant to randomly lacerate people that I am not thinking of? I know I don't want to even consider living in a world of kiddies with Ka-Bars. If their running with a scissor is dangerous enough to merit a Surgeon General's warning in this day and age, imagine them running with a Scissor plural.

In any event, at some point in our texting I decided to be funny and asked her if she was any good at honing an edge on them. To which she said:

"I certainly don't own a wet stone because I'm 'bad' at honing a knife."

(Knife maintenance Boner)

That being explained, I decided for our first date I'd surprise her by bringing along and leaving in her charge the two identical knifes I have for

work and personal use that were in need of a good rasping. (I guess in my case my knives are named 'Work' and 'Personal;' to be fair, ‘Work’ has a pocket clip I painted with a light pearl orange fingernail polish and ‘Personal’ a coat of vibrant fuchsia. The polish being purchased specifically for that reason alone... At first. Don’t tell my toes. It's a really interesting experience in discomfort purchasing objects 'typically' intended for women; interesting sidebar.)

Anyway, I know how much woman like to be ‘Paid’ ‘Attention’ ‘To,’ so I make a dire break in my efforts to make sure I do, it gives me an opportunity to hop on things they say or do... Which figuratively gets me off and of additional benefit... emphasizes to women I was listening; assuming they are paying attention to my paying attention. It's also really just this efficient way of being cute with women I discovered, I suppose. You can totally use it with your own gal pal if you like. Though I'd be smart to maybe patent it... 'Listening' I mean. as effective as it is with the women’s plural-more than one.

Now, I don't know if she was just trying to- 'build' up an ability or subset or show off; the girl I went on a date with saying she could sharpen a knife, but, as it would turn out, she must not have been as good as advertised, because when I asked her if she would mind giving my blades a good once over; my idea of setting up an additional date or activity in the future, she

 informed me it was actually a Japanese friend of hers that defines the edges of her metal.

I don't know if I'm just reading into things, but it would seem to me; as I am writing this now, I may have just caught on to her first detectable lie. I can't believe I didn't pounce on it in that moment. And I know what you are going to say, Brian, But I 'was' listening. It's just that I'm too trusting, I think. Certainly she couldn't have known I would bring knives for her to sharpen, Obviously that surprised her. It's actually quite possibly the first time a man brought a woman knives to sharpen on a first date. How about that, Bri? Undiscovered Country does exist! But... back to her lying. She may in fact own a wet stone, but it seems to me, if you actually have your Japanese friend doing your knife sharpening, her 'claiming' she could sharpen knives is tantamount to me saying 'I can build a house,' simply because I have ownership of a chopsaw and hammer: like in a figurative way. Like- the potential is there because the tools are. 

I mention this, because I now see I apparently let the 'bullshit flag' moment pass right by after she mentioned the suspect reality. But then the next thing I actually asked her was if "[her Japanese friend] sharpened 'swords' too?" You know- the way any genuine ignoramus, not purposefully intending to air racist sounding assumptions would. 

I suppose the funnier part of the conversation was that 

[the Japanese] friend does sharpen swords, as it would turn out. Not that that still doesn’t account for my not appending the "every blade sharpening Samurai being Japanese but not every blade sharpening Japanese being a Samurai," logic to the conversation.

In any event, the evening took a drastic down turn, as shortly thereafter, she took to her liberal, upturned apple box and began telling me about everything wrong with our country and the world. 

Female genital mutilation, check; 

Inadequate amount of accessibility for wheelchair restricted individuals, check 

(don't refer to them as 'Handicapped' or try to logically empathize with why every government building or private business in America isn't wheelchair accessible, FYI)

Womanism vs. Feminism vs. what I guess you would call Hyper-Feminism, Check, Check, Check.

(I'll leave you to research the differences, because I would have never thought Feminism was 'so' non-inclusive Womanism needed to be created... I know, I know: Different issues. Though I wonder what feminism for say... French Polynesian women would be called if the angle is what seems to smack of specificity; being as Womanism's already commandeered for a 

different, specific race.) 

What's funny is, I think I caught/picked up on the bartender/server thinking she was really attractive and that he wished he was on the date with her; at least that's what I gleamed from his piqued interest as she entered with me and also when we approached the bar. But all too soon, probably after he heard what she was so passionately interested in, I'm assuming, when he delivered our meals and drinks, he couldn't drop them off fast enough and with the least amount of eye contact with her specifically. I think after hearing her philabustering he must have been completely thankful ‘he’ wasn't on the date; even though he kind of was, what with our being the only people there besides him. 'Cause I'll tell you, Bri, if listening was a payable job, I certainly earned the half loaf of sour dough he brought to the table and she promptly ate most of; 4/7ths to be fair, with the next half hour to 45 minutes of being 'taught at' I had to endure. Who knows? Maybe it was longer. All I know is it was one of the most painful one sided conversations in recent memory I've sat through for the sake of being polite. I should have asked for the check.

Worse than church, Bri.

All sermon, no salvation. 

But you want to know of what's screwed up? He had no empathy for my plight. At the very least the guy could have comped my Roy Rogers. Instead I got charged 

with 'after' happy hour rates.

So… 'Rates,' I guess.

Double- Bad Date; that started off good. Whammy. 

Oh! Get this, She even ate the cherry from my drink. 

My Roy Rogers cherry, Bri. 

(Roy Rogers picture) 'Yippie Ki Yay' isn't just a joyous outcry, it's a... 'refreshing' lifestyle. 

She took it!

Granted, she did ask permission, but… you don't emasculate a man, as a female, on the first date, by commandeering his cherry... regardless his permission. That's like- First date etiquette 101. Is nothing sacred anymore? Everyone knows you save cherries for marriage. Or at least someone special... Ideally.

How's it feel knowing your new 'as of now, not-new' gal pal isn't that kind of... gal? I know if I were you I'd feel good about knowing I felt good about not having to deal with dating nonsense for the potential foreseeable future... First date non sense anyhow. Yeah... that's all seems coherent enough.

Funny, all of this is really making me curious as to why you don't see an officially

bottled 'Roy Rogers' soda flavor in the stores instead of only being served in bars and pharmacy soda fountains. Imagine if Roy Rogers were a flavor both Pepsi and Coke bottled? Obviously they'd have to somehow get a cherry inside the bottle, even if you couldn't get it out without breaking the bottle, I know that's what you were thinking. But that's just minor logistics, Brian. Your troublemaking naysaying isn't warranted in this case. In fact, so confident am I in Big Soda’s abilities, I'm betting they could even get one of those various colored, transparent plastic swords in there with it. 

(BPA free various colored, transparent plastic sword of course.)

The whole thing would be a big win-win, really. The public would get a commercial Roy Rogers and the albino cherry farmers and Red dye 44 suppliers would have a massive influx of need for product typically restricted to the cherry pie filling industry, which let’s admit, probably isn't even the fastest moving of pie fillings, even though it tastes amazing.

Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi? I actually like the taste of equal parts Coke and Pepsi. 

(Image of Breaking down cultural divides) Here's one against Dualism

I call it a 'Pepsi-Coke' when I mix them up 'cause 'Coke-Pepsi,' just isn't as cool sounding to me. And as I'm sure you and I can certainly agree, 

Everything is about marketing.

The concoction actually, kind of reminds me of the taste of an ‘RC,’ surprisingly enough. But to be honest I really like making the drink because it enrages the cultural divide. People don't know whether to crap or go myopic as I hold the two opposing brands above a glass and cause the caramel, cascading streams to meet in a confluence of sweetness. Careful though, should you ever find the planets in proper alignment and the two brands are in the same vicinity of each other, in front of strangers, you may find it draws unequal parts delight and decrees of blasphemy.

(Image of the world’s most neutral cola)

So... Buyer Beware and all that. Perhaps that's why I most identify with Libertarianism, only the best of both worlds for my palate. 

"In the world of two choices why don't people see there's always a third; synthesis. (Hegel would be proud.)" It's funny how decent a cola RC is, but I never really see anyone drinking one. I suppose if you did it'd probably leave people to believe just about anyone could seemingly patch one together. But I know that's not true. I don't know if you've ever been out of the country, but when I was living in Ecuador I tried this other, smaller, hardly

">
CHANNILLO

Brian (w)'s Second Letter to Brian (e) (1)
Series Info | Table of Contents

 

Hello Mister Dykeman,

How are you and the new- 'as of now, not-new,' Gal Pal getting on? I don't honestly know how anyone does it. Dating can be so... overly daunting. Even the good ones get... Well, for instance: I went on a date the other week and right from the start it was going absolutely great.

(Image of indestructible love) Romance is: Not being distracted by bullshit like the 'Great Pacific Garbage Patch.'

Even before we met in person I had a really good feeling about this girl, Brian. We were communicating via text like crazy, making jokes... sharing at least close to similar shared interests. How do I even begin to explain to you ho...

Please subscribe to keep reading.

Table of Contents

Series Info