album 'Get Lucky.' I know guards are guilty too. Don't worry though- in your reply you can write 'a friend of mine' and couple it with the word 'allegedly' to keep things innocuous and for the sake of your- 'your friend's' guardesque anonymity. (Learned that trick from huckster media scoundrels and all the Cosby drama they haven’t let us get away from.) Just write 'allegedly,' and you can claim anything without legal recourse. I suppose you might need some sort of source material to even generate a claim, but that’s what blogs are for, right?

But not to worry, in my case and in yours, I'm not a lawyer or of the desire to get entangled with internal Virginia Penal affairs... Is it 'Penal' or 'Penile?' that 'I' makes all the difference I imagine. Good thing I’m not a lawyer, huh, Gare’? (To think how one misused Letter could misconstrue the Justice System.)

No, I'm just a disinterested... interested fellow who's curious of the... curiosities behind closed bars... And you know- Since I'm not, like- 'there' to like- look through them; the bars that is, the only real way; well quasi- 'real' if we are being literal, for me to know some of the goings on... Going on is to live vicariously through you... and the inmate at your facility I'm in correspondence with.

Perhaps you can answer a previous quandary I posed the inmate I'm writing, as I haven't heard back from her as of yet and there's a chance she might not answer the question: Do you guys put on an Asian... oriented cuisine night... or day for that matter; Oriented Day, for the inmates?

If you don't, you should. Or at least offer up one Asian inspired dish. I know they're being punished, but if they can have Xboxes and TV's, iPods and Law degrees- I mean, who's fooling who? Why not Serve up some Kimchi in the Kit•Chen, Gare'?

(Fermented leaf, ‘Pusan Roll’ image)

We're already coming close to slipping down the greasy slope of letting inmates have Virtual reality in their cells. At which point, who cares if you're in jail anymore. There you are: 'consciously' living faux-vicariously on the State's dime, unless, that is, in Virtual Reality you are also in Prison. serving the exact same sentence. I suppose at that point I'd be okay with them having Virtual Reality. While it may seem overkill to sanction the same punishment, there is a certain amount of additional dissatisfaction that comes with not being able to escape your surroundings, regardless whatever you try. They should probably only have books about ‘Being in Prison’ in the prison library under the same premise.

Hey, Gare', did you ever see, 'Demolition Man'? There was this part when Stallone like- learned to knit from the ice he was imprisoned in and he was all pissed off about it when he was told. I never really understood his getting hot under the collar when that's was totally like- a ‘Gift’ they gave him and not a punishment! 

Taking away something he was good at, I would understand his gripe then. Like, if he had spent years becoming a master at

The Cunnilingus and they basically lobotomized those specific trade skills from his mind I'd completely understand his rage at that point. Specifically if they had like- transferred those skills to Wesley Snipes. Realistically, the movie probably would have had a different scope and character motivation at that point. The plot would have most certainly shifted to his getting those years of knowledge and empirical, first... 'hand?' testimonials women seem all too seldom willing to verbally bestow or discuss; hence taking years, back from the ice and not worrying about the sewer people or saving the city. ‘Cause really, who cares about preserving a futuristic, urban landscape if you can't please a woman with your mouth?

Did you ever understand the method that was supposed to be used in the toilet with the three shells? That always confused me until I looked it up on the Internet:

(Complimentary Instruction guide image)

As to Stallone's anger for the knitting, I mean, I certainly don't wear sweaters or put doilies on the four-leaf, oak dining room table I don't own, but far be it from me to turn my nose up at passively learning a market craft like needle work while I get to sleep. (Albeit the constant need to want a blanket; being trapped in that ice, and no matter how many afghans you imagine yourself crocheting, you're still just as cold as you were, would be its own, particular hell to endure.)

Hey, imagine if you put actual yarn and needles in a sleeping man's hands while he dreamt of knitting. If the Chinese could hack that that I just solved how they can skirt the 'definition' of the child slave labor problem... Well Demolition Man did, if I’m giving credit where credit is due.

Long story short, that's where I can see all this heading. ‘Prison’ and ‘Luxury’ aren't really synonymous ideas. So, I'm thinking, maybe the Asian cuisine night, might be a formidable answer, or at least a compromise to all these... pleasantries I hear our nation's incarcerated individuals are being allowed to entertain.

'Don't give'm Xboxes ! Give'm fermented cabbage.' While I’m not in marketing or design, I can see such a campaign slogan garnishing a win for whatever warden decides to put it on mass produced yard signs. Is warden a county elected position? Perhaps for the Governor then... "Goober Natoriaaaaaaaaaaaaal"

Speaking of cuisine from the orient, I had this Thai soup: ‘Tom Yum,’ to be specific, the other day and it was anything but 'Yum.' Not only did it seem to have various layers of greasy broth I would be hard pressed not to associate with the mental image of a sweaty, obese foundry worker on hour eight of his ten hour swing shift; it's not quite your nine or 'the drive home' on the 'Stank Scale,'

(Trade Craft image: “Gotta hit those tweezer molds just so…”)

but it also had this root in it that was all too unsimilar to absolutely nothing I have ever had before. (I think that's a proper grammatical agreement.) It was apparently called 'Galangal;'


(Image of the offending soup addition)

similar in genus or family to ginger I'm learning, but outside the fact it didn't taste anything like ginger, its fibers also had the consistency of like a thrice doubled up (Number Agreement?) and condensed celery stalk. (It must be like a first cousin in appearance, Third cousin - Twice removed (Ancestral/Number agreement?) by taste-- real nasty bastard in general.) It was really kind of similar in texture to chewing on raw sugar cane, but not sharp like what I’m guessing the consistency of fiberglass would be... Were you to ever sink your teeth into a mouthful. You ever chew on any of that, Gare'? Fiber glass I mean, not sugar cane or Galangal, to be clear. If you ever chew on sugar cane or Galangal you'll know what I mean though, if my examples weren't… exampley enough.

Anyway, it was flagrant, to say the least. The Galangal that is, not the raw sugar cane; that's actually quite tasty, not like what you think it would taste like. Actually, throwing Galangal in the soup might have been a really smart/good choice, if the purpose was to distract from the taste of the sweat-fat broth layers. I mean there were 'LAYERS' in the Tom Yum, Gare'! Flagrant, Fatty grease fillets that weren’t dissimilar to the little bubbles of grease that float at the top of your Campbell's chicken noodle. It's just- it was all grease bubbles and no soup. Oh, there was some lemon grass I'm not mentioning in there too, it was Tom Yum's only saving grace, And I don't even particularly enjoy lemon grass either, as I came to also discover. But hey, if Lewis and Clark taught us anything, life is about taking chances at the Thai bistro. ( Is Bistro correct?)

Thinking on it now, Tom Yum would be the perfect punishment food for inmates, since there's so much more 'Yuck' than 'Yum,' than its name would allude. That said, it might start fights if served regularly, so scratch that idea. Unless, like my sister's cat, you also enjoy scratchies.

To make the affair even more awkward-casual, I began pulling any piece of the offending ginger wannabe I bit into out of my mouth and placed it on my soup bowl's sauce.,  But Anti-Christ on an absent oyster cracker if more of it didn't keep rising from the viscous depths of the Yum and seemingly finding its way into my mouth.

I hate pulling food from my mouth in public, even bone and gristle, but damn it if Galangal wasn't just too orient rich for my  western palate. I even let my mom try a piece, not one that had been in my mouth; that'd be unkouth even though I was squeezed out from between her thighs some years ago. (Breach birth, no caul. So special but not REALLY special. Do you know what a Caul is, Gare'? It's basically amniotic sack residue, but not only is it said to imbue the child born with it special powers, it also naturally provides them a little bit of additional, 'organic' ambiguity; at least until it's removed.)

(Representational Image of a/the Star child)

Anyway, as per usual, my mother acted like the taste of it was no big deal. Whatever! It totally was, Gare’! So I recommend trying it to say you tried it, but don't blame me for introducing it into your life. You were warned... regardless my recommendation.

So, what sort of hobbies do you have, Gare'? I don't really have any myself, so there isn't much to expound upon in that area of my life. Sorry, I know such lackluster admissions probably make it seem like I'm being withholding or cutting things a little short in allowing you to get to know me better. Rest assured that isn't the case regarding hobbies.

What's the craziest thing you ever found in a prisoner orifice? I heard of an X-ray of a wine bottle and a light bulb once. I mean- it was like two separate X-Rays, at least I think. It must've been. The subject came up when someone was relating a list of crazy things found in... Well, found 'in' people, to put it mildly. (Objects too hard to retrieve even with the aid of sea shells, if you catch my figurative drift. Obviously they probably weren't prisoners either. Anyway, I think you get the point. Crazy, Huh?! As impossible as even the wine bottle sounds, the lightbulb seems even crazier if you think about the fact it was probably screwed into like- one of those old fashioned mechanic work lights and being turned on and off to generate heat, but it happened to get unscrewed and... In turn, got sucked up... into the darkness. It was probably Incandescent too, if you think about it, not LED or Phosphorescent; the incandescent On/Off action and resulting hot glass probably being much more 'masochistically' desired versus the lackthereof in the carbon footprint-less bulbs. These weren't my X-rays, to be clear, in case you were wondering. Such dedication to such activities would probably constitute a hobby. I'm just waxing... illuminous. Butt... even if I wanted to experience the On/Off incandescent hot glass action, I'd be too afraid of getting punched in the guts and busting the bulb to bits. What then, Gare'? What then?

Now that I think about it, you being a guy guard, I imagine you can't really check anything other than the lady's mouths and toe gaps; on their feet, so your list must be pretty tame.

Have you- or any of your 'friends' ever like- (Allegedly, now) had to 'Justifiably' collapse some unruly babe inmate's mandible bone? You know, obviously to like- save lives or prevent an all out block riot, race war or run on the vending machine Kit-Kats? I suppose it'd probably be more akin to preventing inmates from going back for seconds on the vanilla pudding at evening meal.

Not that I advocate Chick Violence in any case whatever, but it's a damn interesting and controversial question to forward to you. There is also a finite quantity of vanilla pudding, sometimes seconds just isn't advisable or warranted.

You work maximum security, in an area with a moderately to deep frost line and humid Summers, yes?
Conditions such as those have to aggravate and try anyone's patience.
Elevation of Force continuum; if I’m to dip into occupational verbiage for a moment, being what it is, that might be your only resort. Am I right? I mean 'I' would think powderizing a Jaw is a complete non-lethal confrontation ender. I only ask because the mind power associated with confronting such a social-ethical dilemma must be staggering- Not to mention the amount of force you'd have to connect with in order to cause such calamity. While I bet that's something you train for, that certainly doesn't make it any less impressive a feat. So my hat's off to you- you know, if you've ever had to lambast a babe in the teeth holder... Justifiably, obviously, again. It's an empathetic hat offing, to be clear, 'Cause I certainly couldn't do it, on the job or otherwise, as I’m sure I’ve written- I mean,

Post Apocalyptic world, sure, everyone is a piñata, it’s just, well, its heavy material, I guess is what I am trying to get at. So you can confide in me if you- or ‘’A’ friend’ have ever done so. I can be that friend for you. I'm not a lawyer.

But, I guess that's why they pay you the moderate to high, median bucks for what you do, Huh Gare'? (Less than median if you're a female guard.)

Hey, I bet the ability to fracture a lady's jaw is totally a question on the guard academy psych test/eval. If not they certainly ask during the interview, Yeah? E.G.:
(Sample Interview Questions)

Whoops, we're starting to venture into my sleepy time, Gare'.
So Officer Gary Lee Roth, Second class or otherwise,
You take care of yourself, Sir or Madam. (Gary's a unisex name, Yeah?) Fight the good fight; or low down and dirty if the situation calls for it, and spank the kids for me; should you have any and they get unruly, (I imagine you're good at that, what with your training.) Lord knows and Anti-Lord can attest:  A society run on social media certainly isn't going to teach them, as I'm sure you see on a daily basis. (Unless they want to get into advertising.)

In any event, sorry to cut things so short,
Sic Semper Tyrannis, Gare'
Here's to 'the Old Dominion.'


Be advised:
Any letter I write is composed with the purpose of selling papers, becoming a book and inciting fame.
Joking, Joking. But I'm not.
(I'm not a lawyer.)


Brian's First Letter to Gary... The Prison Guard. (2)
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album 'Get Lucky.' I know guards are guilty too. Don't worry though- in your reply you can write 'a friend of mine' and couple it with the word 'allegedly' to keep things innocuous and for the sake of your- 'your friend's' guardesque anonymity. (Learned that trick from huckster media scoundrels and all the Cosby drama they haven’t let us get away from.) Just write 'allegedly,' and you can claim anything without legal recourse. I suppose you might need some sort of source material to even generate a claim, but that’s what blogs are for, right?

But not to worry, in my case and in yours, I'm not a lawyer or of the desire to get entangled wi...

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