Carcerated Grammar Presents: Prison Tails (sic) Chapter One: 'Shit-cream Sandwich.' 

(Be advised, lack of clarity is due to compression for Mobile viewing and beyond my control. [Hold and open for uncompressed; albeit still compressed, resolution]) 

Chapter One: Shit Cream Sandwich

"If you want to speak in simple terms, I burned that house down with fire."; "What else would you burn it down with?"; "You aren't calling me stupid are you," Ramona asked the Chairman of the parole hearing. "Facts speak for themselves, Miss Richards. You were convicted of aggravated arson and-"; "Eh, I always thought that was a little trumped up."; "Four people had to have skin grafts over major parts of their body. Mr. Fletcher, in particular lost his nose and tongue to the flames. Now I don't know what part of the body they graft from to replace a tongue, but-"; "Well if it's ass-fat, I'd say I did Mr. Fletcher a solid favor."; "I don't think you understand the finer points of the grafting procedure- nor, more importantly do you appreciate the... Weight- err the 'Gravity,' of this situation."; "What can I say? The sons of bitches didn't pay for their ice cream. Am I sorry? Not for gettin' mine, you're excellency. Did you know Schwann's had the nerve to take what the Fletchers owed me out of my pay check? Then the Fletchers are gonna deny I gave them the ice cream in good faith?! Where else you gonna get you Mississippi Mud ice cream sandwiches?"
Several seconds of silence passed between Ramona and the parole board.
"That question wasn't rhetorical," Ramona said.
"I'm sure Mississippi Mud ice cream sandwiches can be bought somewhere else," the Chairman replied.

"Nope. Wrong. ' Nowhere,' is the only other place where you can't find them," Ramona said.
The woman to the chairman's right shook her head at the confusing statement. "Im pretty sure 'Blue Bunny' makes a Mississippi Mud ice cream sandwich,"
"Don't make me burn down your house with truck fire too, Lady," Ramona spit. "God damn, Blue Bunny," she said to herself. "You need to buy some real ice cream is what you need to do; 'real' 'delivery,' ice cream, that is."
The chairman shook his head also. "We're getting away from the reason we are here today, Ms. Richards. You don't seem to show even the least bit of sorrow or remorse for the pain you have caused the Fletcher family with your actions. And it was all over the matter of a couple boxes of ice cream."; "I honestly don't understand why you are making such a big, god damn deal about all of this."; "And why do you say that? You understand a man lost his face from that truck fire, right?"; "As I understand it, he got another one out of whole ordeal-"; "Ms. Richards-"; "Listen, it's not like I'm gonna go out and do this again after I get out."; "Are you saying you've learned your lesson then?"; "If you're gonna put it in such kindergarten-like terms, I guess you could say that."; "But, how can we know that for sure, Ms. Richards? You don't seem to be showing that mindset with any of your comments."; "It's quite simple, really. Its not as if Schwann's is gonna hire me back after I burned up one their customers, the customer's house and the company's new truck. Them's like... immediate grounds for dismissal. That's in the handbook, on like- page one if I remember right. Not like the cover page or the afacing copyright bullshit- But like- the first page after the pages with the little 'v's and 'i's: 'Don't Damage the truck." The don't burn customers faces off part is probably more of a common sense kind of thing. Though I can't say it was or wasn't in the book for sure. I didn't really read past the first page."
"The pressing matter is whether you're penitent your actions, Miss Richards."
"See I gotta disagree with you there."
"Oh, and why is that?" the Chairman asked.
"'Cause my sentence is up next week. I already did the time. Parole don't mean shit to me, not at this point." Ramona scoffed, "Penitent my crime!? Lady, did you even hear the part in my story about the Mississippi Mud ice cream sandwiches they made me pay for? Them damn thing's was expensive too. How about some of that... I don't know- 'Walk in 'my' shoes for a mile,' empathy-type consideration on my part in the matter? You're capable of them feelings ain't you? Jus' 'cause I burned off his nose to spite his face-"; "I don't believe that’s the saying-"; "And he would have got a lot more had there been more driveway to get the truck up into third gear. Them damn trucks is pullin' a lot of weight and diesels are more about torque than acceleration; at least as far as page one of the handbook is concerned. You ask me that son of a bitch and his family got their just deserts. Who jus' eats up all the MISSISSIPPI MUD someone else paid for? Burn victims, that's who."
"I think you mean 'desserts,'" the parole woman said.
"Bitch, I knows what I jus' seds. I'm not in here to make no puns. I take making a mockery of parole hearings quites seriously, I'll have you know."
The Chairman adjusted in his... chair, "As to your claim of 'Getting out in a week,' I'm afraid you're a bit confused Miss Richards."; "No, no confusion here. I get out in a week. Seven days to be more exact."; "I don't know where you've gotten that idea, but you're serving a fifteen year sentence. You've only been here just shy of ten."; "You think I'd come in here and tell all of you what I really thought if I still had a five year stretch to play out that I could get out of early if I only feigned remorse?"

The board was silent, but gave Richards' file a meager page turn of consideration. "Hey we should all meet up for lunch on the day I get out! Any of you know a good diner nearby? No ice cream though. I don'ts have a taste for it anymore."

---
"How'd your hearing go?"; "Oh, I tried out the ol' 'Tell them they have the wrong information and I'm actually getting out in a week so I don't have to be remorseful of my crimes' ploy."; "And?"; "-And I'm getting out in a week!"; "You're kidding."; "I totally fooled 'em."; "There's no way I would have thought that would actually work."; "I just had to really sell it; believe 'myself' I was getting out in a week, so they did also. I even talked like a hick West Virginian for a moment too just to come off doltier. I also used to sell ice cream and frozen pot pies for a living so it wasn't that much of a stretch to fool some rube-ass parole pogues."; "It's too bad no one else will ever be able to do it. They'll never fall for that again."; "Certainly not the way you're believing it now."; "Wait, you aren't getting out then?"; "I would be if you had been on the board."
Shelly didn't know whether to defecate or go deaf.
"I'da' probably gotten some free gift cards in the deal too if they'd eaten up that Shit-cream sandwich of a story as thoroughly as you just did."
Richards point to the corner of her own mouth. "You've got some... right there."
Shelly began to smile.
"Messy, messy, messy," Richards teased.

">
CHANNILLO

'Prison Tails' (sic) Chapter One: 'Shit-cream Sandwich'
Series Info | Table of Contents

Carcerated Grammar Presents: Prison Tails (sic) Chapter One: 'Shit-cream Sandwich.' 

(Be advised, lack of clarity is due to compression for Mobile viewing and beyond my control. [Hold and open for uncompressed; albeit still compressed, resolution]) 

Chapter One: Shit Cream Sandwich

"If you want to speak in simple terms, I burned that house down with fire."; "What else would you burn it down with?"; "You aren't calling me stupid are you," Ramona asked the Chairman of the parole hearing. "Facts speak for themse...

Please subscribe to keep reading.

Table of Contents

Series Info