Brian, Brian, Brian,

Dick.. dick.. dick,

Let me catch you up on recent events:

After a seemingly innocuous internet search of ‘our’ name, which I don’t usually do, for obvious, non-narcissistic reasons, I came across a certain “web serialization” “someone” apparently “created” with our letters. To say this is a betrayal of trust, man-- well, it’s not exactly on par with posting nudes or revenge porn, but I don’t know what’s worse, your posting these things without permission or my having to pay five dollars to see the extent of what you’ve done. And just for the sake clarity and to help you get a pulse on the 21st century heartbeat, here’s a headline circa 2005 you may have missed: “No one wants to pay for anything on the internet.” It’s the whole point of blogs and the shameful ads that prevent their being read in their entirety. 

I see now why you originally wanted me to write this Bianca.

She’s not aware of all this is she? I can’t imagine so if I wasn’t or with your concern over her actions in your various letters. You don’t happen to see how all of this can be construed as your using people, right?

Furthermore, to start with an adverb, this whole thing feels like a complete compromise of our: what my girlfriend calls “amity”; an affront to our name worthy of being taken up with the official consortium of Brian Dykemans, had we ever formed such a thing. You know, my girlfriend insists this whole matter is just further evidence to her original hypothesis this “entire letter writing enterprise only came to fruition because (you) are a complete tool.” I’m quoting her here, at least as far as use of the word “fruition” is concerned. Yet here I am, on the sly, writing you further 

material you’ll most likely also post.

Your never taking calls or answer emails makes complete sense now. Behind all the writing and art, you’re just someone else seeking notoriety. And yet the series hardly appears to be in popular standing. I bet you probably see that as its not having had a chance to be discovered yet. I suppose I can rest easy getting satisfaction from such a reality and corresponding ignorance. I can just see your written reply: “Well, if the series as a whole isn’t popular’…’ what does that say about you (me) since you’re contributing a slice to said whole?” (Followed with of course a caption possibly associating me with that seldom eaten, end slice often left to molder. “the heel” I guess it’s called; it just came to me.) To which I’d reply, “Don’t pin that on me, guy, I wasn’t trying to perform for the desired masses the way you are.” So, we can just abstain from that little, future exchange. 

I mean, am I not a little enamored to be a part of something? While I decline to officially answer in the affirmative; as my girlfriend would probably say I was a total “fame monster” if she thought I was getting the least bit of amusement from this, it doesn’t outweigh the ethical lines you’re showing disregard for. That’s what they call Gaga fans right? (I’m assuming you know.) Because I don’t feel like a fame monster. Although I now feel even dumber for having written and considered it. And what for the intentions of my writing now knowing I have an audience, lackluster in size or otherwise? You ever consider lack of honesty is why the series is struggling?

I think I now understand this seeming need of yours to always be funny. You know humor at the expense of someone else's hardship is in bad taste, right? And even worse when it’s all for your own seeming gain? And here now, considering 

the context of this being a published document, I’ve probably sounded like a complete martyr this whole time… and now I’m coming off pathetic and superficial instead of having tried to be objective for all those involved. And now I'm bad guy and a killjoy for bringing it up while knowing it has all been a giant production. You do realize trying to help you by way of letter writing isn't easy or a productive use of my time, right?  I would have wanted to be the funny one too, you know?

That’s it. No more of this. I’ve decided the best course from here on is you tell this woman you've been using her letters. In fact, I'll even do you one better. You're always trying to be funny, so, why not take my turn and try my hand at it? You can consider it an attempt at the “Criss ‘cross’ cross,” “hoard” Brian Dykemans gambit 

from your exploding train/dead horse letter. Looking at it now, you disjointedly go about altering the specifics before switching to a consideration of sowing misinformation about the world a la your “Criss ‘Criss’ Cross” idea. Which… I can’t believe you think would work longer than a day or two, if I didn’t mention it already (I’m not searching through the letters to find out), it’s also yet another inappropriate, misappropriation of a person’s trust. So, I'm just going to go ahead and write the letter for you. You don’t even have to do anything but copy down what I write for you to write and send it along. Just as you proposed yourself before even affording me an opportunity to consider it; your having “ignored” my suggestion to just “ignore” her and everything that followed from your also not giving letters time to arrive and a person time to read them, let alone respond to 

 them, before acting on your own convoluted ideas, if you don’t recall.

Anyway, here goes:

 

 

 

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CHANNILLO

Brian(e)'s 7th Letter to Brian(w): Food Focused (Letter 1)
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 Brian, Brian, Brian,

Dick.. dick.. dick,

Let me catch you up on recent events:

After a seemingly innocuous internet search of ‘our’ name, which I don’t usually do, for obvious, non-narcissistic reasons, I came across a certain “web serialization” “someone” apparently “created” with our letters. To say this is a betrayal of trust, man-- well, it’s not exactly on par with posting nudes or revenge porn, but I don’t know what’s worse, your posting these things without permission or my having to pay fi...

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