This letter brought to you in part by:
Presto brand Heat Dish plus Footlight
Tempur-Pedic Brand Tempur-Neck pillow
Bed Boss brand memory foam mattress
Premier Protein brand 'High Protein' shake
Apple brand iPhone 6

Greetings Bianca,

So... one of my sister's Vanity Fair magazines came to the door the other day. Amy Schumer is on the cover in this red jumpsuit, crouched like a tiger and showing off her curves. Out of sheer boredom, or perhaps enticement through attraction, I cracked open the magazine and page after page ... after page after page were just ads.

It was ridiculous.

I just kind of like sat there stupefied they are able to get away with it. That anyone pays cash money for magazines like this- either by subscription or from a news stand... it's a total travesty. To the mind, trees and even the recycled paper it probably isn't printed on.

Sure, it's great for the models and actresses in these ads, they have to pay for those 500$ a day martini accented gourmet diets and gym memberships, but lowball figure, for the sake of an example, there has to be at least a hundred thousand copies of this magazine specifically out there in people's homes and offices. And that's just Vanity Fair. What about all the other Magazines out there doing the same thing? That is an amazing amount of paper just for ads. You'd think people were buying the magazine for ads specifically.

Then again, who knows? Maybe some of them are. I know I’ve come across at least one twitter account that provides alternative, comedic captions for magazine

advertisements. I suppose maybe one could argue I kind of stole that idea and made use of it in my own way.

Anyway, I let the idea of all this... 'commercialism over content' just wash over me and resonate for a few minutes, and then I thought: Hey! I know what Bianca is missing. 'This' experience. The numbing of the senses that can only come with cracking open a gale force deluge of mascara'd eyes and [perfume] bottles.

So, just for you; and whoever else might read this letter, I thought I would go through this magazine and tally just how many advertisement pages there were versus content pages.

While many people would probably rather pass on such a letter, I figured, assuming you don't necessarily get to experience the commercial assault on the senses due to your being contained in a cage, maybe I could provide such a commentary for you, you know- for the sake of bringing you a taste of the freedom you are missing out on.

So, making tallies of pages sounds easy and brief enough, right? Fat chance! Just after opening the cover to begin a count I realize I need to establish just what constitutes a 'page,' Because the cover is a fold- out. It's not a nudie center fold in size; three pages, six sides, it's only two (four sides) But the way they utilized this set up is disheartening. It is composed in such a way that the cover image of Ms. Schumer is the only

Vanity Fair specific material. The other three are ads. It's a total waste of the fold out. Where they could have done like- a peel away with another image of Ms. Schumer on the inside. Don't tell me they couldn't have gotten her to do something creative, she has a sketch comedy show and caused a bunch of Star Wars buffs to call foul when she struck compromising poses with characters from the universe in a different magazine only a short time ago. Hell, she didn't even need to be there to make it interesting if not having time was the issue. I imagine they could have easily like-  had an actual tiger fit into a similarly styled body suit on the page behind the cover. But I'm left to suppose Calvin probably doesn't design body suits for mammals with free floating clavicle bones.

So right from the start... I have to like-  start 'quantifying' and 'defining' things to make them fit into my tally system; make decisions about an endeavor that should be as easy as pointing and saying 'Ad,' or 'Content,' and then placing respective tallies in their appropriate columns.

But then, looking at the cover... maybe a hair too long, I ask myself, ‘what is content’ within my system? ‘Cause if you think about it, arguably some might say, the cover itself isn't actually content. But for the magazine's benefit; maybe my sanity even more so,

 Apple brand iPod 3rd gen
Rite Aid 'Home' brand unruled 6x9 writing pad
Pilot brand G-2 7mm pen w/ Pilot brand G-2 5mm black ink refill
(on account of misbuy)

Motorola brand RAZR M
Glaceau brand Vitamin Water 20oz 'Refresh'
Kleenex brand 'Ultra Soft' facial tissue
Boyds Coffee brand 'Hi-Rev' coffee
Unbranded tumbler w/ worn Beaver Coaches decal
Solo brand 20oz 'Blue' plastic cup
(Cause red is for hicks and drunks)

I decided to count it; it is their picture right? It invariably sells a copy or two to the Schumer crowd that might not buy it otherwise. Although.... some might also argue the cover is an ad for the magazine itself.

Well, anyway, the cover got a ‘content’ tally. Benefit of the doubt. The ‘ad’ column already has a three count for the ads behind it. Already this isn't looking good for ‘content,’ we aren't even on page one yet, even though the first page is also an ad, as well as the page after that... and after that. So page after page of ads; 26 of them to be exact, I finally arrive to the first page with the appearance of content; Vanity Fair numbered page ‘24,’ remember the multiple ads on the fold out cover increasing the ad to official page quotient, and whatever their philosophy for numbering pages might be, do they count the cover you think? I don't and I’m also not looking into it… or hand counting them.

Okay… I just hand counted them... They start with the first page after the cover... surprisingly enough, or not, depending on your page counting philosophy.

Anyway, back to the first 'content' looking page... and by my take and judgement of it, it isn't actually content at all, it's a 'Features' page. (Arguable content.)

So here we are again, I have to define where this page should go on the tally sheet, since it doesn't really fit in. I decide to deem it content for the magazine's benefit, it isn't an ad, but I decide to

quantify it as 'Questionable Content,’ tallying it as content but in a new column for (questionables). Turn the facing ad page, and here is another (questionable) ‘features’ page, another turn, and here is another questionable ‘features’ page, three in all so far, each facing an ad page, and of no content value other than serving as a 'table' of contents; the words ‘Et Cetera’ are actually toward the bottom of this final section. Funny, I smile. Since what I am doing; and what you are reading (so meta) is so redundant already I figure 'Et al.' would have been hysterical or ironic had it been printed there instead.

Turn of the facing ad page; naturally, and what's there? 'Advertising//Promotion//Events//Opportunities 'Agenda'!'
Regardless the word 'Advertising' being in the heading, it is both arguable and questionable as content. But it’s not a blatant ad. I tally check it as questionable content for the magazine's benefit.
However not to ignore this... seeming over indulgence for what I see as unofficial ads disguised as content, I go through this page tallying its respective mentions of companies, sponsors and celebrities and contributors and listed writers… the results are insane. I come away with well over 50 separate entities. It's everything an ad page could hope to want to be. But, again, I have to keep my penchant to err the magazine contained. I tally it questionable content, for their benefit. Facing ad page turn, and I arrive at a page headed:

'Online Features,' : Questionable content tally. Five for five questionable content pages peppered amidst ads; six for six depending on your view of the cover, and so far we're on page 32. Turn the facing page ad for a new Bryan Cranston show and I'm brought to: a 'Credits' page. This isn't content or an ad, but I imagine they pay someone to compose this: (Questionable for benny tal'), facing page ad turn- or facing ad page- Whatever!, 'MORE' Credits. BAHH!!! Tally.

Five more pages of consecutive ads and what's next?
'Advertising//Promotion//Events//Opportunities 'Agenda'! Again!
I don't want to count names and companies and ‘ands’ again.

But I do... 48. 48! Down from the fifty plus but... Honestly, I'm just impressed they get away with this at this point. And that I am still hanging in on this project. And writing it up. It’s not exactly cutting your teeth on investigative journalism, now is it?

Turn the next facing ad page and we are presented with a 'Contributors' page. Four women, each with a moderate but generously sized picture and summation introduction paragraphs giving the location of their work. Arguably it's the first page that appears like someone had to prepare something other than dense lists of names and companies, but it’s still just a glorified table of contents entry. I'm really tired of handing out benefit of the doubt tally marks, for questionable content

it feels even worse. Why are people paying for this?
Right now the score is 9/9 questionable content pages and 39 pages of ads as of number page 45. it wouldn't seem the math adds up but I flipped through this 'Train Wreck;' Schumer reference that will make sense when you are released, enough to know tangibly the paradox exists.
Anyway... stay with me, we are at least halfway there... and I’m doing this so you can taste sweet freedom.

Turn the page, and what is this, another 'Contributor' page for four women, similar to the last, barring one peculiar difference, a third of the page is reserved to and for ad space that corresponds with the ad on the facing page. Not only is it a questionable content tally mark, for the benefit of the magazine, but it also counts as an ad page. What's worse, the women that contributed are fighting for page space with a chunk of an ad that is just black space with text for the company and their logo; like ninety-two percent black space. These women aren't as important as selling this watch I guess.

Back to turning the facing ad page..,  What do we have here? Surprise, surprise, another 'Advertising//Promotion//Events//Opportunities 'Agenda' presents itself, only this time it takes the third of the page the previous all black chunk had on the previous contributor page,

 Listerine brand 'Total care zero' mouth wash
Sensodyne brand Pronamel 'Gentle Whitening' toothpaste
Melaleuca brand toothbrush
(cause meeting the 70$ monthly's tough & why I quit.)
Melaleuca brand Renew foaming handwash
(Best product they have)
LG brand [refrigerator]
Kohler brand kitchen sink and faucet

taking focus away from and sharing land with a third contributor page. Again... I feel sorry for the contributors and the lack of attention given to them. Their content, if there happens to be any not hi-jacked by ads, is the main driving force for people to buy the magazine, at least I would think.

Facing perfume ad page turn and... Maybe you guessed it: we are presented with our dear old friend the 'Advertising//Promotion//Events//Opportunities 'Agenda' page, only this time he is back to his ‘full page’ fighting weight. His strict diet of lean list writers and steamed non-organic content ‘suggestibles’ plumping up his ad page previous ‘welter weight’ margins quicker than heaping helpings of large font leads and full page pictorials.

Moving on... I'm not impressed anymore. I stopped counting names and companies and sponsors since the last full page, heavy weight bout. I know I previously wrote I was going to give you the full Vanity Fair 'Advertisement versus Content' main card, battle royale, cage match, but it's taking its toll on my [unofficial] abilities as a magazine lobbied; for benefit of doubt, judge relating all these numbers and figures. I feel like how I imagine Chris Martin of Coldplay fame must sometimes feel, only I'm not guessing; everything is right here in front of me. That being written, I also keep flipping back to smell the 'New Eau Lumière' by Dior that the image of Charlize Theron in a beautiful gown is advancing through a quite

natural seductive look. The pink bottle is even shaped like a bowling pin!

For the love of- they got me. And with an Eau de Toilette of all things. I might have to give up the remainder of my Crave, by Calvin Klein just on principle.
Good thing there wasn't something else on the 'Agenda' page. A matching activity or the likes of a 'Goofus & Gallant' might have done me in. The mental toll alone from counting-

I know, I know, "If I think Vanity Fair and its ads are taking a mental toll, try Prison!"

It's just... I'm choosing not to count the names and various other sponsors. As is my right as a perceivably free citizen. So... I hate to invoke that for your letter, but- the Vanity Fair Ad Agenda and its well honed and practiced tactics leave me no choice.

I don't know, maybe write the editor if you take issue with that choice... as that is, after all, the next and first page of the periodical with the presence of legitimate, undeniable content of the 50 previously presented Variety Fair numbered pages.

The Editor's letter.

So much prestige.

He has his own letter.

Personally, I've always questioned the letter from the editor as content, just a personal view I suppose, as redundant as that may read. I've just never gave a care. However, in this overly scrutinized case; barring benefit of the unofficially lobbied doubts, it is far and away, hands down, by no comparison, similar to the other 50 V.F. numbered pages preceding it. It is teeming with writing. It is without question:  The first 'Content' tally•able (sic) event, regardless my previous held opinion about editor letters.

I take a moment to flip back and take a sweet olfactory whiff of the 'New Eau Lumière' By Dior sampler to mark the... 'content'•ious (sic) occasion; though I still don't want to have to give up my 'Crave...' by Calvin Klein on principle (ellipse added for effect).

Moving back ahead, I gaze at the centered picture of the silver haired fox of a codger at a desk with what must be the Hudson or East river behind him in his high rise office or conference room;

Magic Bullet brand blender
Hong Kong brand coffee maker
Sears brand 'Tutor' portable typewriter
Nicorette brand 'Fruit Chill' nicotine gum
Kirkland brand grapefruit cups 8oz
Bic brand 'Ai' mechanical pencil 7mm
General brand kneadable rubber erasers
HP brand 'Officejet 7310xi' All-in-one printer scanners


Brian's Vanity Fair Magazine Commentary for Bianca (1)
Series Info | Table of Contents

 This letter brought to you in part by:
Presto brand Heat Dish plus Footlight
Tempur-Pedic Brand Tempur-Neck pillow
Bed Boss brand memory foam mattress
Premier Protein brand 'High Protein' shake
Apple brand iPhone 6

Greetings Bianca,

So... one of my sister's Vanity Fair magazines came to the door the other day. Amy Schumer is on the cover in this red jumpsuit, crouched like a tiger and showing off her curves. Out of sheer boredom, or perhaps enticement through attraction, I cracked open the magazine and page after page ......

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Table of Contents

Series Info