“Oy, wanker. Hands off cocks and on with socks. Time for your next visitation.”

Smooge sat bolt upright, startled awake by the uncouth shouting.

“I beg your pardon. How dare you wake me in such a rude manner.”

“Ooh, ‘ark at him. Anyone would think you were something special, instead of a greedy wanker with no mates. Now, come on, I’m on a tight schedule. There’s old ladies waiting to be mugged ‘cos I’ve been detailed to this. Know wat I mean?”

“Do you mind telling me who you are first.”

“Never you mind who I am. Just let’s say I’m the ghost of Christmas Present. That’s the ghost of now, not the ghost of the present you got last year that you didn’t like and don’t k...

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