Greetings and Salutations,

     I had originally planned for my first feature to be a piece that would be part introduction, part biography.  Something that would give the readers a little insight as to who I am and what kind of pieces they could expect in the coming weeks.  But instead, I have decided to write about a problem facing this great nation of ours; a problem that has plagued our nation for years.  A problem that actually has the potential to unite our country in a way that has never been seen in our lifetime.  A problem that none of our elected officials have the courage to stand against.

     America.  This great nation of ours has done some amazing things since the dawn of the twentieth century.  We defeated Nazism, Fascism and Japanese Imperialism.  We became the Arsenal of Democracy.  We split the atom and harnessed its power.  We landed a man on the moon and returned him safely to the earth.  We have cured diseases and stand on the forefront of curing many more.  Yet we are also the country that has contributed the likes of the “invisible dog” collar and leash, the “pet rock” and the “fidget spinner”.  Oh, and Carrot Top.

     We are a nation that has achieved and produced amazing things, yet why is it that our commercial bakeries cannot produce a Hot Dog Bun that is sliced down the MIDDLE?  We can perfectly slice a loaf of bread, and yet we cannot slice a simple Hot Dog Bun evenly?

     This is a problem that affects every corner of America.  As a Southerner, I realize that gumbo and grits are regional, but a Hot Dog is universal.  And while it may not be American in origin, the Frankfurter has reached heights rarely reached by foodstuffs in this great nation of ours.

     Once, best known for ballparks and back yard cookouts, the Hot Dog began it meteoric rise when FDR served them to King George and Elizabeth at a picnic at Hyde Park.  And the King asked for seconds. 

     Originally, the Dogs were served with mustard, relish, onions and, only if you were under the age of seven,….ketchup.

     But things changed quickly and different regions of our country began adding a whole range of “fixins” to the simple Dog.  In New York, they eat them with mustard, onions and sauerkraut.  In Chicago, the “Chicago Dog” is served on a poppy seed bun and “dragged through the garden”, meaning it’s served with mustard, chopped onions, that delicious blue-green relish, tomato slices, sports peppers, a pickle spear and celery salt.  In the South we eat slaw Dogs and chili Dogs and the most daring of us get our Dogs with chili AND slaw.  In Arizona they have a Sonoran Dog, which is wrapped in bacon in a steamed bun, with mustard onions, chopped tomatoes, jalapeno slices, guacamole, cheese and mayo.

     Do you see where I’m going with this?  These are but a few of the variations of Hot Dogs we eat across this great nation of ours.  And most restaurants have their buns especially made to accommodate their signature Dog.  But what if you want one of these concoctions at home?  What if you want to drag your Ball Park, or Nathan’s or whatever your wiener of choice may be, through the garden?  Or douse it in chili and slaw?  We don’t have the luxury of getting our buns specially made.  No, we are at the mercy of the local grocery stores and their offerings from the giant commercial bakeries.  If you are fortunate to live near a Whole Foods or Fresh Market, you can get fresh baked un-sliced buns, but not everyone lives close to one of those chains.

     So we are left at the mercy of the giant commercial bakeries and their uneven pre-sliced buns.  Have you ever really looked at your Hot Dog Bun?  Have you noticed that they are almost never sliced down the middle, but more often sliced a few millimeters from one side, leaving almost a whole bun on one side and a thin slice to hold everything in on the other.

     Have you ever tried to load one of your Hot Dogs up with all your favorite “fixins”?  Let me guess, you got your buns lined up together on your plate, placed your Hot Dogs in them.  You added mustard (ketchup, but only if you are younger than seven), maybe some onions, kraut, relish, chili, slaw, what have you.  You get your Dogs made to your liking, maybe adding some baked beans, potato salad or slaw and you and you go sit down.  One of two things happens next.  The minute you put your plate down, one of your Hot Dogs rolls over into your beans, potato salad or slaw, spilling its contents and making a mess.   Or, the minute you pick up your first Hot Dog to take a bite, the second Hot Dog rolls over into your baked beans, potato salad or slaw, spilling its contents and making a mess.

     Now do you see the problem?  It’s not the Hot Dog or the “fixins” you put on it.  No, it’s the uneven sliced bun.  If you slice a bun down the middle, you can load it more evenly, thus preventing your Hot Dog from capsizing into your baked beans, potato salad or slaw.

     We The People deserve a more perfect union AND a Hot Dog Bun that is sliced evenly down the middle.  So before we are forced to eat one more capsized Hot Dog, I suggest we bombard our elected officials with letters, emails, and Tweets demanding that they regulate and standardize the Hot Dog bun.  Yes we have other problems in this great nation of ours.  But just think how happy America as a whole would be if we could all rejoice together while eating a Hot Dog on a perfectly sliced Hot Dog Bun, dressed with our “fixins” of choice and it not roll over into our baked beans, potato salad or slaw.

     So PLEASE contact your Senator and Representatives and DEMAND a more perfect Hot Dog Bun.  Generations to come will applaud your actions.  Now, pass the mustard, chili, onions and cheese, but NOT the ketchup, unless you’re under the age of seven.

*Author's Note May 26, 2018:  I am happy to announce that I found Pepperidge Farm Split Top Hot Dog Buns at Kroger.  While not perfect, they are a VAST improvement over the standard hot dog bun.  Split down the top.  Flat on the bottom.  Will not fall over into your baked beans, potato salad or slaw.  Costs a little more than your standard bun and you have to work with it to get all of your fixins in, but worth the price for the stability alone.